I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
