That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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