one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
