I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
