Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
