I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
