good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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