Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
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