If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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