You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
