I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize