True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
