he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize