Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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