Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
