Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
