lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Randomize
