i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
