Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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