My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
