How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
