yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
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