i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Rumble strips road head = magical
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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