i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
