How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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