I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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