remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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