Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
