Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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