mondays should just be called national damage control day
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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