I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
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