He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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