1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
