after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
