You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
