So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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