If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
