whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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