There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
