Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
