My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
