You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
