Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Randomize
