i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
and you fell through a lawn chair
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
