When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
