It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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