I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
