Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
