Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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