you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
