I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
