I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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