I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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