I never want to see another naked old woman again.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
