Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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