party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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