Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
