I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Randomize
