why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
