i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I love having hate sex.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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