i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
