well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
