he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
