and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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