You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
