My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I currently don't understand fingers.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
